I don't know what to put here

Last night I pretty much had an emotional breakdown at the dinner table.
Yeah...I don't know how it happened.

Before dinner, we were filling out my application to the Fine Arts Center and it came to where I had to circle what grade I was in so I circled eleventh and my dad was like "wait a minute...you're not in 11th grade" and we were talking about that and he was getting upset because my mom hadn't really talked to him about that...and like how he didn't want me to go to college that young. So that conversation went on for a little while...Then we were talking about the Fine Arts Center and that a lot of it is singing notes off of the sheet music and I was like "what?? i don't sing! I can't sing notes off of the sheet...that's something I can't do" And then my dad got on to me and was like "that's why you take the class! to learn how to do that" and he got mad beacuse I was being an idiot...and then I just started sobbing uncontrollably while he was talking to me and my mascara started getting into my eyes and it was burning really bad so finally I got up and went in the bathroom to clean my face. Then I came back and my mom was trying to convince my dad that they did talk about my college plans and stuff. Well I was still crying...and we got into this discussion and I got so emotional and was saying that all I do is just lay around all day and I don't really do anything. And I don't have a lot of friends because I don't do any sports or anything...and I was saying I feel stuck at home doing nothing because I don't go anywhere. I don't go to school, I just go to co-op twice a week. And even then it's for a short time so I don't really have that many friends there. I just don't really go anywhere during the week...and our family doesn't have a lot of money so my mom can't just drive me everywhere I want to go because gas is just too darn expensive. I was just sitting there crying about all of these things that I was feeling. That lasted for a really long time. And then my dad was trying to make me feel better and stuff and he was like "well we can drive you to your friends house. That's no big deal. Who are you friends?" And I told him Savannah and Gerry but they live so far away! and I started crying again... and then he was saying he could take me over there but I told him that I feel like it's such a hassle on for them to take me places, which is true, especially Savannah and Gerry's house. And he was like "where did you get that idea from?" So I told him that I got it from Mom...because that's the reason I can't ever go over there because they live almost 40 minutes away and it's so hard to work out how to get me there.

Well finally I calmed down more...I was still really sad but by now we had decided that I could go to the Touchet's house more often.

Then my parents started talking about college...and they were sort of arguing about it and stuff. I didn't want to be around that so I just went upstairs and took a bath to clear my head and listened to Five Score from top to bottom. Then I went to bed.

This morning I woke up and my mom said she wanted to talk to me. So I went in her room and we talked about college and stuff. And she said that I couldn't go to the Fine Arts Center because she didn't want me to be around all of the freaks that are gonna be there and stuff...since i'm so young...so we're gonna look for a different theory class to take. Maybe a pre-college class at Greenville Tech or North Greenville (even though North Greenville isn't where I would go to school...ever...for lots and lots of reasons) or something. She said that when I'm 16 I'll probably go to Bob Jones University, or maybe even Greenville Tech for 2 years and then I can transfer anywhere I want. I was thinking..."Bob Jones...hah, no." So then she went on about everything I was saying about feeling stuck and home and she said it's just because I'm 14...and I can't wait to be 15. And she's right. And she was saying that I really only have 2 months to wait...because in April I'll get my permit and in May I'll have a job so I'll have somewhere to go besides just staying at home. Then when October comes around it'll be awesome because then I'll be able to drive by myself and go anywhere I want to. I did feel pretty good about everything my mom was saying...besides Bob Jones haha.

After that, I went downstairs for breakfast and my dad said that he wanted to talk to me. First he apologized for getting mad at me and saying I was an idiot and stuff. He said he shouldn't have done that...and he talked about how men and women react to situations differently. Women get emotional and men just go on "attack mode" as he put it. So I was glad that he apologized. Then he said how he misunderstood my mom and he thought that I would be going to college NEXT year..when I'm 15...so that's why he was so against it and so upset that my mom didn't talk to him about that. He didn't understand that we were talking about 2 different years. Fine Arts Center was for next school year and then going to Greenville Tech would be when I'm 16. He misunderstood that. So he basically told me the good things about Bob Jones and that they're not as legalistic as they used to be... so now I feel good about going there. Plus they have one of the best music programs anywhere...so that will be awesome.

I was pretty happy then.
I'm glad that we got a lot of things settled.

My mom also talked about how she hasn't done a good job of teaching me Bible in school so we're gonna start something new. So we decided I would read The Journey series by Richard P. Belcher. The first book is A Journey In Grace. It's a theological novel about Calvinisim. It's really intresting...I've read it before when I was 10 or 11 so I didn't really understand all of it so we decided to read it again. I'm really excited about that though. I encourage you to read it one day. You'll really learn a lot.

All in all, today was a pretty good day.
I just wish I was 15 already. Haha.

I don't have to feel OK to be OK

Favorite quotes from songs by Relient K and Eleventyseven.

I don't know why I'm posting this....I just feel like it.

"I've been a liar and I'll never amount to the kind of person You deserve to worship You. You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do. You say, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into'"
Relient K - Getting Into You

"Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles He will be strong, He will be strong"
Relient K - For The Moments I Feel Faint

"I seem to get so hung upon the history of what's gone wrong and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see. But I'm finally catching on to it yeah, the past is just a conduit and right there at the end is where I'll be"
Relient K - Up And Up

"You give me hope, and hope it gives me life. When You touch my heavy heart and when You do You make it light. As I exhale, I hear Your voice and I answer You, though I hardly make a noise. And from my lips the words I choose to say seem pathetic but it's a fallen man's praise. Because I love you. Oh, God I love you. And life is now worth living if only because of You and when they say that I am dead and gone, it won't be further from the truth."
Relient K - When I Go Down

"Take back your 12-step self help programs and let me tell you all about how it was self that got me here in the first place and self that taught me how to replace everything I know with every other option but the only right way to go. Cause I've been feeling so temperamental and everybody's thinking 'mental, ha, key word'. The only hope I have to hold to is a promise. You put another life inside of me that's not my own"
Eleventyseven - 12 Step Programs

"My first impression is I don't think that depression is the tyrant that we make it out to be. Your life is yours to live for something way more positive than what you woke up feeling like today. I don't have to feel OK to be OK. I wasn't created just to live my life this way. I don't have to feel OK to be OK and I refuse to life my life this way"
Eleventyseven - Feel OK



You know what? I think lately I've been a hypocrite. When I praise God do I mean it? Am I sleeping when I'm praying?

I don't know. Maybe I am.

I've been getting really upset lately. I keep forgetting that I don't have to feel ok, to be ok.
That's really true. I haven't been living like that lately. Well you know what? I think it's time I did. I wasn't created just to live my life this way and I refuse to live my life this way.

It Snowed?!?!?!

Yes. It did. I know...it's amazing right? It only snows maybe once a year here. 3 inches. Heck yeah. I love snow. Snow is awesome. I'm happy.

Is this the new year, or just another desperation?

Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n' miss?
A misdirection, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken hearts and broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You push until you're shoving
You bend until you break
Till you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay.

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is nothing here worth saving?
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?

It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry and poor and deserted are found
Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who haven't kissed the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

Does justice ever find you? Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in

I've decided.

I've decided that I spend wayy too much time on the computer and that from now on, I'm only going to get on the computer after 8pm (except on Saturdays).

I have better things to do during the day then sit at the computer like homework, or play the piano, or violin, or go outside or something. Seriously, If I'm planning on majoring in music when I go to college, it seems like a lot better use of my time to practice piano for 3 hours during the day than to sit at the computer for 3 hours.

If I get on at 8, that's still enough time for me to do all the things I usually do on the computer like read blogs, listen to music, and talk to people.

Okay...I'm done.

oh John Warne replied to me today :)

It's been a while

I haven't blogged in a while. Just because I'm too lazy haha.

Christmas was good. I got everything I asked for. I didn't ask for much. My uncle got to be in town for Christmas. It was the first time he's been with our family for Christmas in 14 years. It was good.

New Year's was awesome too. We spent most of New Year's Eve at the Johnson's house. I played Rock Band most of the time. Man, that game is amazing. Then we went to my grandma's house around 11. We watched the ball drop there and had snacks and stuff. It was pretty fun. I don't see what's so great about watching a big giant ball descend very, very slow. I think it should go faster to make it more exciting. haha. I've always wanted to see it drop and just crash into a million pieces. That'd be fun. Anyway, Yesterday I got to sleep in late which was awesome. Then I spent the day pretty much doing nothing. My family came over for lunch and we had a good time and stuff.

Then, the best news yet. After four months of persistence and patience, Matthew Thiessen replied to me :D. I'm happy. :)

After that amazing thing happened we went back to the Johnsons house. I think I played Rock Band for about five hours. I'm pretty amazing at that game now :)

It snowed last night. I missed it. Nothing stuck. It's freezing today.

I have a Physics test that I have to do really soon. I've known about it since before Christmas break and I've just been neglecting it. I really need to do it today...but I don't want to. Exams are next week. ew. Also, this semester I have to take a writing class. I HATE writing. I can't do it. Whenever I have to write something it's like I forget everything I know and can't think of anything to write at all. It sucks. I really don't want to do the class but my parents say it'll help me get better at writing and I need to get better because you do a lot of writing in college and I'm going to college when I'm 16 which is not too far from now. I guess they're right, but I still don't want to do it.

In other news...last Wednesday was probably one of the crappiest days of my life. It sucked. But then I realized I was just wallowing in my self pity. That's not a good thing to do. I was reminded that I have an awesome life. I have so many things that God's blessed me with and I shouldn't be complaining. He gave me comfort. Isn't He amazing?

That seems like a good place to stop, so I'm stopping now.