I’ve been so amazed by God lately. I think part of it is because of the books I’m reading. I’m reading the Journey series by Richard Belcher. They’re theological novels and since it’s what I’m reading it’s what I’ve been pondering upon. I’m sure it’s also because there’s a lot of Scripture in the books and I haven’t been reading Scripture like I should. Actually, I haven’t been reading Scripture at all except for at church. That’s a really stupid thing to do. It’s impossible to be sanctified if you’re not in the Word. Since I’ve started reading these books I’ve been thinking about God and how awesome He is a lot more. It’s just an amazing feeling…and I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on it by not picking up my Bible and studying the Word during the week. I’m so incredibly thankful for what God has done in my life and for choosing me to be one of His children. There’s been a theological discussion going on in the Relient K forums and pretty much all of those people have the wrong interpretation of the Gospel and they’re just blind to the truth. It really makes me heartbroken, but it also makes me more thankful that God has revealed to me the wonderful things in His word that I know to be true and so many others reject it.
I’ve also been realizing a lot more lately just how completely sovereign God is over every part of my life. It’s just about little things too…like if I hadn’t have done something…something else good wouldn’t have happened. I’ve also been more patient in difficult situations that I think are just impossible to get out of because I know that God has a plan and He’ll work everything out for my good. It’s just so comforting to know that there’s someone so much bigger than me who cares about me and has planned everything that’s going to happen in my life…and that it’s all for my good. Amazing.
Another thing I’ve also been realizing more is just how much I sin. I’m a sinner. I sin so many times every day and I hate it. I sin in many different ways but it’s more so for one particular sin in my life. It sees I fail there time and time again, and every time I do that I tell myself “okay, I’m never doing that again. I know that I shouldn’t before I do it, and I know how bad I feel after I do it, so I’m just going to stop doing it” but every time I come back and do it again and have to ask the Lord for forgiveness one more time. What’s so amazing is that I know He forgives me. That sin and all the rest of my sins and the sins I haven’t committed yet have already been paid for at the cross. That’s just so incredible…that the perfect sinless God would forgive me…a horrible sinner. The Bible says I’m just a grasshopper in His eyes…and yet He cares for me. I can’t even fathom that. I can’t express how thankful I am for that. Saying thank you millions of times wouldn’t be enough. Now, that doesn’t give me the right to just keep sinning because my sins have been paid for. I hate my sin and I feel so bad after I sin and I feel so ashamed to have to ask the Lord for forgiveness once again.
Something that’s been bothering me a whole lot lately is that I’ve been getting jealous a lot. I hate being jealous because jealousy is a sin. There’s only one person that I get jealous of. It’s not because that person lives in an amazing house with everything she could ever possibly want it’s because her life just seems so perfect. Her mom takes her to places that she wants to go to, and she gets to go to all of the concerts that she could ever want to go to, and so many amazing and fantastic things just keep happening to her and her family. It’s like nothing bad could ever happen to them…only good things. And I’m so ashamed of thinking these thoughts but it makes me so upset because my life is far from perfect. I love my family and I have more than I need but it seems like nothing amazing happens to me like it happens to her family. I get so upset about it…and every time she talks about something great that happened to her (which is very often) it makes me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for her? I’m a Christian and that’s what should happen. I should be rejoicing with her instead of being jealous and upset. I’ve gotten so upset that it’s brought me to tears many times thinking about just how awesome her life is…and how so many amazing things happen to her…and how amazing things just don’t seem to happen to me. There have been opportunities for amazing things to happen to me that have to do with something amazing that happened to her but it always ends up not happening because of something stupid. Either because someone can’t drive me, or because I get sick, or because I have to baby sit that that day and so many other reasons that have come up. I could give you so many examples of things like that but it’d take too much time. I try so hard not to be upset but I can’t help it. That’s how it is all the time for me. Every single time my friend talks about another amazing thing that happens in her life I get jealous. I don’t want to be jealous!!! Why can’t I just be happy?!?! I want so much to be happy for her!! But I can’t be! It makes me even more sad to think about how selfish I’m being. Not only do I cry because I’m upset amazing things don’t happen to me, but I cry about how selfish I’m being when I think those thoughts and how much I don’t want to be selfish. I shouldn’t be jealous…I should happy for what God has blessed me with and I should also be happy for my friend because her life is awesome. My life is awesome too…why can’t I accept that? I pray to God that He would help me to be happy instead of jealous. I do eventually get over it and be happy, but then I just go right back to being upset and jealous when something else amazing happens to my friend. I don’t get jealous of anybody else but her and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why I can’t be happy. I don’t understand why I have to get jealous. I don’t understand any of it. I find myself wishing that amazing things would stop happening to her because of how I feel about it. I don’t want to think thoughts like that…believe me I don’t. I’m so ashamed to even say that I think thoughts like that. My prayer is that God would help me to be happy and to not get jealous and to just be thankful for what I have. My life doesn’t have to be awesome as awesome as everybody else’s. I know that…I do…and I believe that…and I don’t care most of the time that my life isn’t the greatest in the world but the only time I wish my life was better is when that friend of mine talks about the amazing things that happen to her. I don’t want to have those terrible feelings of jealousy anymore. Please take them away from me Lord. Show how I can stop being jealous of her.
Okay…well that was a super long paragraph about my whining and complaining. Please forgive me for that. I’ll talk about something happy now. I get to see Eleventyseven on March 26th. I haven’t seen an Eleventyseven show in over 6 months. Me and Cecelia are doing the hoe down on stage. Cecelia told Caleb we were. Haha. I’m so excited about seeing the guys again. Sooooooooooooooo excited!!! :D I’ve seen Caleb since the last show I went to but I haven’t seen any of the other guys since then. I’ll blog about it after the show. I’m sure I’ll have some great pictures too :D.
I had a job interview the other day. I want to be a lifeguard this summer. The lady said I have the job if I pass the lifeguard training class, which I’m sure I will, so that’s exciting. It’s my first job…and I’m happy about it because I need some extra money for stuff I need (want). Well, I do need some new clothes. I also want to buy some CD’s…maybe start scratching off some of the 30+ on my list of CD’s I want. I am going to give 10% of my money to the church…and the rest of it I’m saving for when I need it. Like for movies or concerts or something. I’m also excited about next month. My birthday is on April 16th and I’m going to get my permit (if I pass the test). I’m really really excited. I’ve been so bored just being at home all the time…but getting my permit is just one step closer to being able to go wherever I want during any daylight hour. Haha.
Alright…well that’s enough blogging for now. Sorry it was so long.
3 comments:
I'm pretty sure we all get jealous of certain people.
I actually do that with some of my closest friends at times, and I feel horrible because when something good happens to me, they're usually happy for me.. I'm learning to appreciate what I have, and to be happy for others too.. I think you'll get the hang of it yourself soonnn :)
just remember, chica, we all struggle. just because we're Christians doesn't make us any better than anybody else, it doesn't mean we're automatically perfect.
and you're not alone in struggling with jealousy. i often struggle with it myself.
i'm excited for you, that you get to go to the eleventyshow. you're gonna have so much fun, i know it. =D
i get jealous all the time.i'm like why cant that happen to me.my dad always tells me that if u ask god for something and u really want it he gives it to u.so i say ask and u shall receive :D
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