When I Go Down, I Go Down Hard

I was gonna go into detail in this blog...but then I started to and realized that I'm really bad at organizing my thoughts and putting them in writing. So I'm just gonna say random stuff without a whole lot of details. Maybe there will be details, I don't know. Most of this is stuff me and Jay talked about/things I realized on the car ride home from Warped Tour.

I've done a lot of stupid things lately and have unfortunately hurt some people in the process. I need to think before I speak. I just hope everything's not too messed up for me to be able to prove to everyone that I really am trying to do better.

I'm actually a really selfish person.

I over think things all the time. I need to learn to chill.

I'm too obsessed with Relient K. I keep telling myself that the main reason I love them is because of the amazing lyrics Matt Thiessen writes that help me in every situation...and it's true that they do...but my brother is right..if that's the main reason, then why couldn't I stop thinking about them on Monday? How come all I wanted all day was a picture with at least one of the band members? Loving their music is okay and there's nothing wrong with wanting to meet the people who make that music, but being obsessed isn't good. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I am beginning to idolize them.

Human beings aren't good role models. No matter how perfect you think they are, they're really not...and they will disappoint you. I learned that the hard way.

I'm really lazy. I haven't done any chores in a long time. I also haven't been diligent in my music studies, and it definitely shows.

I've just been really immature about everything lately. I used to think I was more mature than a lot of people my age (I guess that's pride), but lately I've been acting like a 2-year-old.

I think that all of this stuff comes down to one problem. I haven't been focused on God like I should be. I haven't been reading my Bible. I haven't been praying. I haven't been paying attention in church. I've known for a long time that I wasn't focusing on the right things, but instead of repenting and running away from my sin, I've been running away from God. That ends now.

Getting stuff I want and doing what I want isn't going to make me happy in life. Meeting Relient K isn't going to satisfy me forever.
Only God and His amazing way of meeting my every need is what truly satisfies me and brings joy to my life.
I think I posted something like this back in May. About getting my focus right and that things had really started being awesome for me because I'd been focused on God instead of myself...yet here I am again focusing on myself instead of God. That just shows my fallen nature. I hate that I get like this...I hate that I keep loosing focus and have to go through so many things to finally realize what really matters. It's going to be so amazing in heaven...no sin. I want that.

All of that to say, I'm going to do better now. I don't know how long it will last, because I'm still a sinner...but all I can do is try and ask God to help me, because He will.

God is amazing.
For now I'm going to go listen to Leeland, but I'll conclude with a few lines from my favorite song which happens to be by Relient K:
You give me hope, and hope it gives me life. You touch my heavy heart, and when You do You make it light. As I exhale, I hear Your voice and I answer You though I hardly make a noise. And from my lips, the worts I choose to say seem pathetic but it's a fallen man's praise. Because I love You. Oh God, I love You. And life is now worth living, if only because of You. And when they say that I am dead and gone, it won't be further from the truth. When I go down I lift my eyes to You. I won't look very far 'cause You'll be there with open arms to lift me up again