I hate

Teenaged girls and all of the retarded drama that they live for.

Happy Valentine's Day?

Tomorrow is going to be amazing. Skillet and BarlowGirl in one night. I'm excited. I'm going with my best friends ever Savannah and Gerry, AND I get to spend the WHOLE WEEKEND with them. Ohhh yessss.

I'm probably gonna be posting here more frequently. At least once a week.
Nothing really exciting has happened lately...I wasn't able to get on the computer for a couple weeks.

Today I have to write an essay about women in the military and if I agree or disagree with it. I hate writing. I also have a Physics test to finish today.

I read 6 journey books in a little over a week. They're amazing. We don't have the other ones so my dad ordered them. Hopefully they'll be here tomorrow. I'm excited haha.

I watched American Idol last night. I love American Idol, I was really dissapointed when Josiah went home. He was my favorite :(

I hate Valentine's Day.

I don't know what to put here

Last night I pretty much had an emotional breakdown at the dinner table.
Yeah...I don't know how it happened.

Before dinner, we were filling out my application to the Fine Arts Center and it came to where I had to circle what grade I was in so I circled eleventh and my dad was like "wait a minute...you're not in 11th grade" and we were talking about that and he was getting upset because my mom hadn't really talked to him about that...and like how he didn't want me to go to college that young. So that conversation went on for a little while...Then we were talking about the Fine Arts Center and that a lot of it is singing notes off of the sheet music and I was like "what?? i don't sing! I can't sing notes off of the sheet...that's something I can't do" And then my dad got on to me and was like "that's why you take the class! to learn how to do that" and he got mad beacuse I was being an idiot...and then I just started sobbing uncontrollably while he was talking to me and my mascara started getting into my eyes and it was burning really bad so finally I got up and went in the bathroom to clean my face. Then I came back and my mom was trying to convince my dad that they did talk about my college plans and stuff. Well I was still crying...and we got into this discussion and I got so emotional and was saying that all I do is just lay around all day and I don't really do anything. And I don't have a lot of friends because I don't do any sports or anything...and I was saying I feel stuck at home doing nothing because I don't go anywhere. I don't go to school, I just go to co-op twice a week. And even then it's for a short time so I don't really have that many friends there. I just don't really go anywhere during the week...and our family doesn't have a lot of money so my mom can't just drive me everywhere I want to go because gas is just too darn expensive. I was just sitting there crying about all of these things that I was feeling. That lasted for a really long time. And then my dad was trying to make me feel better and stuff and he was like "well we can drive you to your friends house. That's no big deal. Who are you friends?" And I told him Savannah and Gerry but they live so far away! and I started crying again... and then he was saying he could take me over there but I told him that I feel like it's such a hassle on for them to take me places, which is true, especially Savannah and Gerry's house. And he was like "where did you get that idea from?" So I told him that I got it from Mom...because that's the reason I can't ever go over there because they live almost 40 minutes away and it's so hard to work out how to get me there.

Well finally I calmed down more...I was still really sad but by now we had decided that I could go to the Touchet's house more often.

Then my parents started talking about college...and they were sort of arguing about it and stuff. I didn't want to be around that so I just went upstairs and took a bath to clear my head and listened to Five Score from top to bottom. Then I went to bed.

This morning I woke up and my mom said she wanted to talk to me. So I went in her room and we talked about college and stuff. And she said that I couldn't go to the Fine Arts Center because she didn't want me to be around all of the freaks that are gonna be there and stuff...since i'm so young...so we're gonna look for a different theory class to take. Maybe a pre-college class at Greenville Tech or North Greenville (even though North Greenville isn't where I would go to school...ever...for lots and lots of reasons) or something. She said that when I'm 16 I'll probably go to Bob Jones University, or maybe even Greenville Tech for 2 years and then I can transfer anywhere I want. I was thinking..."Bob Jones...hah, no." So then she went on about everything I was saying about feeling stuck and home and she said it's just because I'm 14...and I can't wait to be 15. And she's right. And she was saying that I really only have 2 months to wait...because in April I'll get my permit and in May I'll have a job so I'll have somewhere to go besides just staying at home. Then when October comes around it'll be awesome because then I'll be able to drive by myself and go anywhere I want to. I did feel pretty good about everything my mom was saying...besides Bob Jones haha.

After that, I went downstairs for breakfast and my dad said that he wanted to talk to me. First he apologized for getting mad at me and saying I was an idiot and stuff. He said he shouldn't have done that...and he talked about how men and women react to situations differently. Women get emotional and men just go on "attack mode" as he put it. So I was glad that he apologized. Then he said how he misunderstood my mom and he thought that I would be going to college NEXT year..when I'm 15...so that's why he was so against it and so upset that my mom didn't talk to him about that. He didn't understand that we were talking about 2 different years. Fine Arts Center was for next school year and then going to Greenville Tech would be when I'm 16. He misunderstood that. So he basically told me the good things about Bob Jones and that they're not as legalistic as they used to be... so now I feel good about going there. Plus they have one of the best music programs anywhere...so that will be awesome.

I was pretty happy then.
I'm glad that we got a lot of things settled.

My mom also talked about how she hasn't done a good job of teaching me Bible in school so we're gonna start something new. So we decided I would read The Journey series by Richard P. Belcher. The first book is A Journey In Grace. It's a theological novel about Calvinisim. It's really intresting...I've read it before when I was 10 or 11 so I didn't really understand all of it so we decided to read it again. I'm really excited about that though. I encourage you to read it one day. You'll really learn a lot.

All in all, today was a pretty good day.
I just wish I was 15 already. Haha.

I don't have to feel OK to be OK

Favorite quotes from songs by Relient K and Eleventyseven.

I don't know why I'm posting this....I just feel like it.

"I've been a liar and I'll never amount to the kind of person You deserve to worship You. You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do. You say, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into'"
Relient K - Getting Into You

"Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles He will be strong, He will be strong"
Relient K - For The Moments I Feel Faint

"I seem to get so hung upon the history of what's gone wrong and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see. But I'm finally catching on to it yeah, the past is just a conduit and right there at the end is where I'll be"
Relient K - Up And Up

"You give me hope, and hope it gives me life. When You touch my heavy heart and when You do You make it light. As I exhale, I hear Your voice and I answer You, though I hardly make a noise. And from my lips the words I choose to say seem pathetic but it's a fallen man's praise. Because I love you. Oh, God I love you. And life is now worth living if only because of You and when they say that I am dead and gone, it won't be further from the truth."
Relient K - When I Go Down

"Take back your 12-step self help programs and let me tell you all about how it was self that got me here in the first place and self that taught me how to replace everything I know with every other option but the only right way to go. Cause I've been feeling so temperamental and everybody's thinking 'mental, ha, key word'. The only hope I have to hold to is a promise. You put another life inside of me that's not my own"
Eleventyseven - 12 Step Programs

"My first impression is I don't think that depression is the tyrant that we make it out to be. Your life is yours to live for something way more positive than what you woke up feeling like today. I don't have to feel OK to be OK. I wasn't created just to live my life this way. I don't have to feel OK to be OK and I refuse to life my life this way"
Eleventyseven - Feel OK



You know what? I think lately I've been a hypocrite. When I praise God do I mean it? Am I sleeping when I'm praying?

I don't know. Maybe I am.

I've been getting really upset lately. I keep forgetting that I don't have to feel ok, to be ok.
That's really true. I haven't been living like that lately. Well you know what? I think it's time I did. I wasn't created just to live my life this way and I refuse to live my life this way.

It Snowed?!?!?!

Yes. It did. I know...it's amazing right? It only snows maybe once a year here. 3 inches. Heck yeah. I love snow. Snow is awesome. I'm happy.

Is this the new year, or just another desperation?

Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n' miss?
A misdirection, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken hearts and broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You push until you're shoving
You bend until you break
Till you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay.

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is nothing here worth saving?
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?

It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry and poor and deserted are found
Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who haven't kissed the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

Does justice ever find you? Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in

I've decided.

I've decided that I spend wayy too much time on the computer and that from now on, I'm only going to get on the computer after 8pm (except on Saturdays).

I have better things to do during the day then sit at the computer like homework, or play the piano, or violin, or go outside or something. Seriously, If I'm planning on majoring in music when I go to college, it seems like a lot better use of my time to practice piano for 3 hours during the day than to sit at the computer for 3 hours.

If I get on at 8, that's still enough time for me to do all the things I usually do on the computer like read blogs, listen to music, and talk to people.

Okay...I'm done.

oh John Warne replied to me today :)

It's been a while

I haven't blogged in a while. Just because I'm too lazy haha.

Christmas was good. I got everything I asked for. I didn't ask for much. My uncle got to be in town for Christmas. It was the first time he's been with our family for Christmas in 14 years. It was good.

New Year's was awesome too. We spent most of New Year's Eve at the Johnson's house. I played Rock Band most of the time. Man, that game is amazing. Then we went to my grandma's house around 11. We watched the ball drop there and had snacks and stuff. It was pretty fun. I don't see what's so great about watching a big giant ball descend very, very slow. I think it should go faster to make it more exciting. haha. I've always wanted to see it drop and just crash into a million pieces. That'd be fun. Anyway, Yesterday I got to sleep in late which was awesome. Then I spent the day pretty much doing nothing. My family came over for lunch and we had a good time and stuff.

Then, the best news yet. After four months of persistence and patience, Matthew Thiessen replied to me :D. I'm happy. :)

After that amazing thing happened we went back to the Johnsons house. I think I played Rock Band for about five hours. I'm pretty amazing at that game now :)

It snowed last night. I missed it. Nothing stuck. It's freezing today.

I have a Physics test that I have to do really soon. I've known about it since before Christmas break and I've just been neglecting it. I really need to do it today...but I don't want to. Exams are next week. ew. Also, this semester I have to take a writing class. I HATE writing. I can't do it. Whenever I have to write something it's like I forget everything I know and can't think of anything to write at all. It sucks. I really don't want to do the class but my parents say it'll help me get better at writing and I need to get better because you do a lot of writing in college and I'm going to college when I'm 16 which is not too far from now. I guess they're right, but I still don't want to do it.

In other news...last Wednesday was probably one of the crappiest days of my life. It sucked. But then I realized I was just wallowing in my self pity. That's not a good thing to do. I was reminded that I have an awesome life. I have so many things that God's blessed me with and I shouldn't be complaining. He gave me comfort. Isn't He amazing?

That seems like a good place to stop, so I'm stopping now.

Never Underestimate My Jesus

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. Some things have been happening in my life. I have friends that I used to hang out with alot and now I find myself feeling very different from them and I feel excluded from their conversations alot when I'm around them. It's mostly their conversations that are not glorifying to God. I know that that's a good thing, but it makes me really sad that they do that and it makes me sad that I used to do and talk about the exact same things they're doing and talking about. Lately I've found myself growing furthur apart from people that I used to really really enjoy hanging out with but at the same time, my relationships with my few Christian friends have been getting stronger.

I recently found out that one of my friends has started smoking. He's only 13 years old. I don't want to mention his name so I'll just call him Jack. Everyone except for me and 2 or 3 other people seem to think there's nothing wrong with it and that it's his life and he can do whatever he wants to. Last night I was talking to someone (Let's call him Michael) and I thought it would be good for Michael to talk to Jack because Jack likes him and I figured he might listen to what Michael has to say. So I was telling Michael that Jack had just started smoking and I was getting really emotional about it and he was like "Why are you so upset about this?" And I said "Oh my gosh! Why am I so upset about this? First of all, he's pretty much killing himself. He's on a downward spiral right now and if he doesn't stop this I know that he's going to get into worse things and one day he's going to end up in jail on the verge of death. I'm worried about him. I don't like to see anyone making the wrong decisions." Michael didn't seem to care. Now don't get me wrong, I don't judge people because they smoke or anything like that but you have to remember that Jack is 13 years old and he's the kind of person that will get into worse things if he doesn't stop this. Michael was also talking to someone on the phone and she didn't seem to care about it either. She was like "Ooohhh Jack's a BA. Christi why do you care so much? It's his life...let him do what he wants. I'm sure he doesn't want people nagging on him about it so much"

I also was talking about Christian music with Michael. He doesn't like "Christian Rock" music. He thinks it's an oxi-moron or something like that. Sometimes he won't listen to a band just because they're Christian. The first question he asks me when I tell him about a cool band is "Are they Christian?". That really bugs me. He was like "Where does rock music come from? Wasn't it a rebellion against authorities" or something like that... I said something like "What's wrong with Christian rock music? They're artists making the kind of music that they like singing about what they want to sing about which is mostly going to be God." and I went on telling him about how much more I enjoy listening to Christian music than secular music because of the joy that the lyrics that are glorifying to God bring me. Secular music also makes me happy but I feel a sense of eternal joy when I listen to certain Christian songs because of just the amazing things God has done in my life. I told him about Relient K's song For The Moments I Feel Faint and how it says "Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. When the world around you crumbles He will be strong". I cannot even begin to describe to you how much that means to me knowing that He will indeed be strong when everything else seems to fall apart. There's not going to be power like that in a secular band's song. So Michael said to me "Well then you're glorifying them and not God. You can't use that as your Bible" I said "No, I'm not glorifying them above God. When I listen to that song I'm reminded of the things God does for me and I can praise HIM and glorify HIM. Then I can also thank God for what He's done in my life and I can thank Him for what he's done in the band member's lives". Michael eventually gave in and said I was right but I still could tell how he really felt. He's not going to listen to that stuff and I realized that the reason he doesn't appriciate it is because honestly, I don't think he's a true believer and the Bible says that an unbeliever can't understand the things of God. That breaks my heart knowing that they're eyes have not been opened to the amazing things that God does every day.

Sunday night I was thinking about all this stuff and it brought me to the point of tears for my friends that don't have Christ in their lives. But at the same time there were also tears of joy for what God has done in my life and that I'm not like are anymore. They all go to church and they have all the head knowledge that they could ever have but they don't show fruits in the way they live their lives and the way they talk and stuff...I feel really sorry for them. I love them all so much and I don't want anything bad to happen to them. Like I said earlier I don't enjoy hanging out with them as much as I used to because I've been radically changed by the almighty power of God and I don't have any desire to do or talk about the things I used to do and talk about. I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I most definately am not. I sin all the time and I see more sin in my life now than I ever have because I used to not care about it or identify it as a sin in my life but now I feel so horrible every time I do something not glorifying to God.

Please be in prayer for my friend who is smoking. If he doesn't stop I don't know what will happen to him but it's definately not good. I tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't care at all about the consequences. I said that every time he smokes a cigarette he's bringing himself one step closer to death and he just replied by saying "everyone dies eventually". I told him that he would probably die at a younger age than he would if he wasn't smoking and he said "There was this one guy that smoked all his life and he lived to be 80 something years old" I tried to tell him that that's just one guy out of a lot but he just went on promising me that he's not going to die of lung cancer or anything like that but he's not going to stop smoking. It really breaks my heart when I think about him because I am so worried about him. He's on a downward spiral and I don't want to see him go down the wrong path. God is the only one who can help him. Please be praying that his eyes would be opened and he would realize that he shouldn't be doing that.

I don't really know how to end this blog so I'm just gonna stop now.

You can turn mistakes to miracles

I really don't understand how God can still love me. I'm such a horrible person and I'm reminded of that every day. If I didn't have Him in my life I have no clue where I'd be but I know it would not be good. I really need to get my priorities straight. I've been such a procrastinator lately and I'm so lazy all the time. I do things I know that I shouldn't do all the time. Every day. I feel like such a horrible person. When I fail I'm reminded of God's grace and I'm comforted but I still feel sooo amazingly awful. The Bible does say that if you really hate your sin it's a sign of salvation so I guess I should be encouraged. It's really easy to get bummed though, but I just remember that God is always there and He will forgive me. I am proud to say that I'm a child of the King.

Right now I really love this song. It's exactly how I feel.

It's Beautiful - Eleventyeven

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together.
Falling short and faded out
but You keep making gardens in this desert.
despite the grace that I dismiss
forgiveness was the catalyst
to penetrate my heart with what is true

It's beautiful
You can turn mistakes to miracles.
The way that You still love me after all
It's beautiful.

Redeem the years I've thrown away
I'm ready to make good on what I've wasted.
I'm asking You to shape my heart,
I wanna be Your work of art.
Cause when You change me and make me more like You

It's beautiful
You can turn mistakes to miracles.
The way that You still love me after all
It's beautiful.

So help me God forbid
I never take for granted
This endless gift You give.

It's beautiful
You can turn mistakes to miracles.
The way that You still love me after all
It's beautiful

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together