I feel better now

Thanks ultimately to God. It's amazing how He works things out. I'd elaborate...but I don't want to get into it all.

It also helped that the wonderfully amazing, Caleb Satterfield told me something incredibly awesome today.

Thank you Caleb.

I realized today

that I'm really selfish.

I'm feeling so upset right now only because of the fact that I'm so selfish.

I thought I had gotten over this...
but I guess I haven't.

AHHHH!!!!!

I'm Living to Shine On

House of Heroes - In the Valley of the Dying Sun

In the valley of the dying sun
I walk a crooked path along
I came across the shadow of a man with an angel’s breath
Oh, boy he said to me, “I see your future”
“Though you long for peace”
“Distraught is your father”
I’m thinking of you, I’m thinking of you when I kill the good man
To keep myself from being killed by him
I’m thinking of you, I’m thinking of you when I hold my girl
And wonder if she’ll ever love again
I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of you
While I shake the blood off my hands
I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of you

Bathe in the powder of a thousand guns
I am the king of sorrows
Water by the tears of the innocent one
The river grows, it moves, it swells
Son, it calls to me, your days are numbered
Sew the seed you will
I am the reaper
I’m thinking of you, I’m thinking of you when you kill the good man
To keep yourself from being killed by him
I’m thinking of you, I’m thinking of you when you hold your girl
And wonder if she’ll ever love again
I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of you
Wash the blood off your hands
I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of, I’m thinking of you

I howled at the morn like a wolf in the night
You wanna finish it, we’re gonna finish it right
And then I felt it with a chill up my spine
There are no words to use that truly describe
The (?) or the (?) or the terror in me
Tonight will be my ending or tonight my new beginning

And all through the night I wrestled the angel
To undo the curse that’s burdened me all of my life
And for the first time I could see
That God was not my enemy
I’m thinking of you (for the first time I could see)
I’m thinking of you
I’m thinking of you (that God was not my enemy)
I’m thinking of you

Like pieces of the sun, our light burns on and on and on
Like stars in the night sky we shine
I’m living to shine on
I’m living to shine on
I’m living to shine on
I’m living to shine on
I’m living to shine on
I’m living to shine on
I’m shining on

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This song has been stuck in my head a lot lately. It's sooooo goood! Go download it. Right now. Along with the other 2 songs. http://www.freehoh.com/

Soo...A lot has happened since my last post...I guess....not really....yeah. There have been good days, and there have been bad days.

My 2 best friends ever, Savannah and Gerry (they're sisters), spent the night with me last Saturday. It was Savannah's birthday, and since mine was on the 16th, we celebrated ours together. It was really fun. I got a new iPod...finally. I didn't get enough money for my birthday to buy one, but I sold Gerry my nano so then I did. I'm in love with my new iPod. Seriously. My brother actually bought me Dashboard Confessional's new CD. Wow. He gave me a birthday present. That's a first. haha.

So that weekend was really good. My birthday was on the 16th, and that was pretty amazing. My day started out by going to the DMV and getting my permit. Oh yes. Very exciting. Then I went to co-op and all my friends were really super excited for me. Haha, it was great. After co-op a bunch of us went to Sonic. That was really fun too. Becca Price got this great idea to sit on the tables. It was pretty fantastic. haha. It's one of those "you had to be there" moments. After that, my mom drove me to Easley to meet up with the Mrs. Alfonso at the girls' gym. Laurel was outside with her little friends washing the car. Since it was her birthday, I definitely threw confetti on her. Haha, it was great. After that I started skipping around the car. Laurel said, "Christi. What are you doing?!? You're supposed to be turning 15 and being more mature, not acting like a child. We're the kids and we're washing the car, and you're the teenager and you're skipping around the car??" Haha...it was hilarious. After that, I went to the Alfonso's house to spend the night. I hung out with 3 of my favorite people ever, Celeste, Cecelia, and Caleb Satterfield. Many memorable things happened that night. God bless you. Hah. Anyway, I was actually really boring that night for some reason. Like, I wasn't myself. I guess I felt kind of excluded...I mean, it was my birthday...but Caleb's friends with the Alfonsos, not me. Seeing them together, and making their jokes, and having their conversations...I kind of felt out of place. Most of the night was just me sitting there listening to them converse back and forth. It was still fun though...just being around them is fun, and I talked here and there, but it wasn't like I expected it to be. Before Wednesday came, I just built it up with all this excitement and thought it was going to be so amazingly spectacular, but when I got there, it wasn't as exciting as I had hoped. And it's not anyone's fault...so don't think I'm saying it's their fault or anything. I don't even know why I feel like this, because I pretty much had the greatest birthday ever. I haven't told anyone all of this...but now I guess I have. Hah.

So yeah...that was my birthday.
I'm taking a lifeguard training class right now. I'm going to be a lifeguard this summer. It's been going good...we learned how to get drowning people out of the water, and we learned CPR...next week we learn first aid.
Oh joy.

I'm definitely way behind at school. My mom's pretty mad at me about that. There's also something going on in our family that I can't tell anyone about...only because it might not happen...but if it does happen...it'd definitely be really depressing for me. I know that's being selfish, because if that's what God leads our family to do...then I should be happy. I just don't like that my mom keeps talking about it and keeps saying things about it to try and make me happy...when I just want her to quit talking about it so I can forget about it unless it actually does happen. Then I'll deal with it. Why deal with it now when it's not really an issue? Why does she have to keep talking about it and making things worse?

Alright...I'm done.

I'm feeling sort of apathetic.

My birthday is in 4 days. I'm excited. I'll be fifteen finally! :) If all goes well, I'll have my permit on Wednesday! :D

My friend Savannah's birthday is today. Her and her sister are my best friends so they're coming over to spend the night tonight. They should be here soon. I'm really excited :) I hardly ever get to see them because they live about 40 minutes away so anytime I get to see them is amazing. On Sunday is our little family get together birthday thing. I haven't had a big party since I was 10. I'm hoping that I get enough money from my family members to buy a new iPod because I desperately need a bigger one.



My parents are frustrating sometimes. They really don't like a lot of the things I like, and sometimes I feel like they're mad at me for liking some of the things I like. Like the whole music scene...I'm not talking about the secular music scene because I know they don't like that and I agree with them there. I like some secular music...but I don't like that music scene...but I'm talking about even the Christian music scene. They really don't like it. They don't like concerts because my dad says it's just like worship...they play their song while the crowd cheers and praises them. So to him, it's a symbol of idolatry. I don't feel that way about it...yes, you're cheering them and everything, but I don't see it as worship. Sometimes fans do worship the bands and everything, but I don't do that. Concerts are so amazing...it's like the only time that I can feel completely alive, and be myself. My parents would hate to see me go crazy and jump around at concerts. They would have been so mad if they saw me on stage at the Eleventyseven show. When I go to a concert, I can just forget about all my problems at home...and just be myself. It's really awesome. I feel like sometimes my parents are really mad that I go to concerts...and that I like to go to concerts. I was talking to them the other day and my dad said that when he got saved, he stopped going to concerts. To me, that seemed like he was implying that I'm being ungodly for going to concerts. I don't think he thinks that...or else he wouldn't let me go to them at all...but still, that's what it sounded like. Before the Eleventyseven concert last month...my mom was really mad at me. She wasn't supposed to see Jonathan, because I knew she wouldn't like him, but she did...and then she got even more mad. I just wanted to get out...and go forget about it all at the concert but as you know, we didn't think the Alfonso's were there yet (which they were) so after waiting...my mom went to the post office...All I wanted during that horrible car ride was to get out and get out as fast as possible! I wanted my mom to stop being so mad. I wanted to stop crying and have an amazing time with the coolest people I know.

My parents found out that I wrote my essay about Caleb. We were eating at On The Border (I know...we went out to eat...that's amazing). When they found out my mom was like "oh my gosh!! talk about infatuation!!!" I could tell they were both unhappy. I tried to tell them that I didn't write about him because he's in the band or anything...it's because he really is the nicest/coolest person I've ever met. They didn't like that. But seriously, when I first met Caleb, I didn't even like Eleventyseven...and I still thought he was really cool. If he wasn't in the band...and I knew him...I probably still would have written about him just because he seemed like the best choice.

There's a lot of other things I'm not sure that I agree with them about (hair thing)...and they make me feel like because I disagree with them, or think differently then they do about certain things that I'm a bad person...or something. I mean, what does it matter if I disagree with them? Unless it's a major theology problem...haha. As long as I'm not doing anything bad or something, it shouldn't matter. I feel like if they knew everything about me...they wouldn't like me. I feel like sometimes I can't be myself around them. In certain areas I can...but not all the time. I don't talk about the amazing experiences I have at concerts...I don't talk about messages I get from the rk guys or the eleventyseven guys...because they'd think I'm obsessed with them and that they've become idols in my life when I know that's not true. I don't want to be the person my parents want me to be. I want to be who God wants me to be...and I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with who I want to be and I think that who I want to be is okay, and that it could be who God wants me to be.

I feel suffocated around them when I'm with my friends sometimes. Music is the thing that interests me the most. Besides God, it's what I like talking about the most. If I'm not talking to Cecelia about God, I'm most likely talking about music. But I feel like that when my parents are there, I can't talk about music stuff...or about bands...or stuff like that because once again, they'd just think I'm obsessed and that the bands are idols in my life. I'm obsessed with God, not bands. I guess they don't see that. I was at the Alfonso's last week and we had watched Enchanted and I didn't really say anything the whole time to Celeste or Cecelia...because my parents were there...and they wouldn't like me talking about all the music stuff. I also had a lot of stuff to say after we watched Enchanted, but my dad didn't like that movie so for some reason I didn't feel comfortable saying anything or quoting anything that was hilarious from the movie to Cecelia. I don't know...but it was weird.

I feel like I'm stuck between who I want to be and who my parents are, who they think I am, and who they want me to be.

Right now, I don't really care about what they think of me (hence the blog title). I've noticed that whenever they get mad at me, I just sit there and take it and don't really care...then I just go to my room and listen to music. Music always makes me feel better. I don't care if they don't like me. I don't care if they get mad at me for being myself. They can think what they want about me...but they don't define me. I don't define myself either. God defines me.

So what if I like concerts? So what if I like the Christian music scene? So what if I wrote my essay about Caleb? So what if I don't think blue hair is such a horrible thing? What does it matter? As long as I have Christ, does any of this other stuff really matter?

Do Hard Things

The Rebelution - A teenage rebellion against the low expectations of an ungodly culture

These guys are amazing. Join the rebelution.

http://www.therebelution.com/index.php

About the Rebelution: (Copied from http://www.therebelution.com/about/rebelution.htm)

The official definition of the 'rebelution' is "a teenage rebellion against the low expectations of an ungodly culture." When you look around today, in terms of godly character and practical competence, our culture does not expect much of us young people. We are not only expected to do very little that is wise or good, but we're expected to do the opposite. Our media-saturated youth culture is constantly reinforcing lower and lower standards and expectations.

The word 'rebelution' is a combination of the words "rebellion" and "revolution." So it carries a sense of an uprising against social norms. But in this case, it's not a rebellion against God-established authority, but against the low expectations of our society. It's a refusal to be defined by our ungodly, rebellious culture. Actually, we like to think of it as rebelling against rebellion.

And it's exciting, because the Rebelution has really become a type of counter-cultural youth movement among Christian young people from around the country, and even around the world, who are not only rejecting the lies and the corruption of media-saturated youth culture, but they're returning to biblical and historical levels of character and competence.

In 1 Timothy 4:12, the Apostle Paul tells Timothy, "Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." In other words, as young people we are called to be exemplary in all areas of life. Our generation is falling incredibly short of that calling. Instead of serving as the launching pad of life, the teen years are seen as a vacation from responsibility. We call it the "myth of adolescence." And the Rebelution is all about busting that myth.

The battle cry of The Rebelution is just three words, but it's an explosive concept: Do Hard Things. That's it. And "do hard things" is a mentality. It's a mentality that flies right in the face of our culture's low expectations. The world says, "You're young, have fun!" It tells us to "obey your thirst" and "just do it." Or it tells us, "You're great! You don't need to exert yourself." But those kinds of mindsets sabotage biblical character and competence.

"Do Hard Things" is just the opposite. It's how we build character and competence. It won't drop to meet the low expectations, it won't just do what comes easily, and it won't become complacent. It applies no matter who you are or what level you're on, because there's always something harder to do, something that will take you outside your comfort zone and cause you to grow.

The Rebelution is made up of three fundamental parts. We've talked about two of them: character and competence. The third one is collaboration. It's not enough for us to be individual exceptions. It's not enough for us to try to ignore the culture. We have to create a counter-culture. The way we do that is by networking, exhorting, and encouraging one another in the fight. By God's grace, that's what The Rebelution has become. And when you have a community of young people mutually committed to doing hard things in their teen years for the glory of God, that's an incredibly powerful thing.

This weekend was good

Yesterday was Jeff and Katie's wedding. It was really awesome. My dad was the preacher dude for it...haha, preacher dude. It was at the Daniel chapel over at Furman University. Oh my goodness...the chapel is soooo amazing. I can just imagine playing a concert in there...me on the piano, center stage, spotlight, in front of that amazing pipe organ. Wow. Breathtaking. I really want to go to college at Furman now. Nathaniel Fryml goes there. He's amazing. Anyway, the wedding was really beautiful. Katie looked amazing. Mr. Chris was the soloist and let me tell ya, he sang AMAZING. The acoustics in the chapel were sooooo good...It was seriously the best I've ever heard him sing. It was incredible. Before the presentation of the couple, the Hershberger and Moore families got up and sang an absolutely amazing version of the Doxology. It was really awesome, and very appropriate for the occasion...to have the family of the groom sing that amazing version of the Doxology.

The reception was great too. The rest of the Saturday was pretty good too.

Today was a very good day. It was like, unusually good. Today also sparked many inside jokes. Haha, it was great.

(Let's go!!) hahahahahaha

In Sunday school this morning everyone was really really happy...which is weird...because usually everyone's all cranky and tired, but today they were all happy and talkative. Haha, it was nice. Then after Sunday school we (Keone, Connor, me, Celeste, Cecelia, and Parker) were talking in the foyer and everyone was still really happy. Connor got his hair cut and got highlights. It looks cool.

After church I went with the Alfonso's and we went to Quizno's with the Smith's. I hadn't been to Quizno's since the time I went with Caleb, Cecelia, and Mr. Alfonso. Hahaha...that was hilarious. After we ate me, Celeste, Cecelia, Connor, and Erica went to Circuit City because it's right beside Quizno's and we figured that the Alfonso's and the Smith's would be talking for a while. We went in there and we looked at all of the stuff and then we played Guitar Hero 3. I totally beasted everyone. Hahaha. It was awesome. After we played Guitar Hero, I bought Jimmy Eat World's (semi) new CD. I think it's really good.

When we got to the Alfonso's house I wanted to go watch The Office but it's up in the apartment...and we didn't know if Mr. Alfonso wanted us to go up there...it would have been okay but he was outside cleaning the pond so we would have had to walk past him to get to the apartment. So we just went inside and talked in Celeste and Cecelia's room. In there was the only sad part of the day...we were talking about stuff...I won't get into it...I'll save it for another blog.

After we were done talking it was time to go back to church. We had a mini marriage conference there so it was 3 hours long instead of just 2. During the second hour me, Celeste, and Cecelia had nursery. Haha, I am in love with those little kids. I got some amazing pictures of Charlotte (the cutest baby alive). When it was time for the third hour, we didn't think that we really needed to be in there since it was all about marriage and stuff so me, Connor, Keone, Parker, Celeste, Cecelia, and Erica went outside. I won't say what we did for various reasons. Not that we did anything bad or anything. Peaches are awesome. (hahahahahaha). At about 7:20, Mrs. Jayne came out and said that we needed to be in worship. oooohhh busted. haha. So we went inside for the rest of church.

When church was over, my family went to the Johnson's house. David went too...it was the first time I've seen him since Kaya was born. Star Wars 3 was on so me and Parker watched that for a little bit until we were done eating and decided we wanted to play Rock Band. Parker was unusually irritant. He kept blaming me for whenever we didn't get five stars on a song for something when in reality I totally beasted him. Haha, oh well.

So yeah, this weekend was really awesome.

Oh, and, my birthday is in ten days. :D

I can't help but walk beside insanity

One of the sweetest songs ever written.



I’ll dance with you when it’s raining
and I'll take your tears for my own
we’ll watch the sun every morning
and I’ll never leave you alone

you know I’ve only got best intensions
but I’ll more than likely break your heart
but I’ll glue it back again with a memory
I swear I’ll replace every part

‘Cause I’m just as messed up as the next guy
I cant help but walk beside insanity
but there’s something glowing brighter in the corner of your mind
and I cant help but hope that it’s me

we’ll laugh for hours at nothing
and you’ll hold my hand in a way
that lets me know we’re unstoppable
what ever comes our way

And I never want to fail you
but for now we live inside reality
I don’t want to catch you when you’re falling
I want the fall to happen just to me

‘Cause I’m just as messed up as the next guy
I cant help but walk beside insanity
but there’s something glowing brighter in the corner of your mind
and I cant help but hope that its me

‘Cause I’m just as messed up as the next guy
I cant help but walk beside insanity
but there’s something glowing brighter in the corner of your mind
and I cant help but hope that its me
no I cant help but hope that its me