I'm feeling sort of apathetic.

My birthday is in 4 days. I'm excited. I'll be fifteen finally! :) If all goes well, I'll have my permit on Wednesday! :D

My friend Savannah's birthday is today. Her and her sister are my best friends so they're coming over to spend the night tonight. They should be here soon. I'm really excited :) I hardly ever get to see them because they live about 40 minutes away so anytime I get to see them is amazing. On Sunday is our little family get together birthday thing. I haven't had a big party since I was 10. I'm hoping that I get enough money from my family members to buy a new iPod because I desperately need a bigger one.



My parents are frustrating sometimes. They really don't like a lot of the things I like, and sometimes I feel like they're mad at me for liking some of the things I like. Like the whole music scene...I'm not talking about the secular music scene because I know they don't like that and I agree with them there. I like some secular music...but I don't like that music scene...but I'm talking about even the Christian music scene. They really don't like it. They don't like concerts because my dad says it's just like worship...they play their song while the crowd cheers and praises them. So to him, it's a symbol of idolatry. I don't feel that way about it...yes, you're cheering them and everything, but I don't see it as worship. Sometimes fans do worship the bands and everything, but I don't do that. Concerts are so amazing...it's like the only time that I can feel completely alive, and be myself. My parents would hate to see me go crazy and jump around at concerts. They would have been so mad if they saw me on stage at the Eleventyseven show. When I go to a concert, I can just forget about all my problems at home...and just be myself. It's really awesome. I feel like sometimes my parents are really mad that I go to concerts...and that I like to go to concerts. I was talking to them the other day and my dad said that when he got saved, he stopped going to concerts. To me, that seemed like he was implying that I'm being ungodly for going to concerts. I don't think he thinks that...or else he wouldn't let me go to them at all...but still, that's what it sounded like. Before the Eleventyseven concert last month...my mom was really mad at me. She wasn't supposed to see Jonathan, because I knew she wouldn't like him, but she did...and then she got even more mad. I just wanted to get out...and go forget about it all at the concert but as you know, we didn't think the Alfonso's were there yet (which they were) so after waiting...my mom went to the post office...All I wanted during that horrible car ride was to get out and get out as fast as possible! I wanted my mom to stop being so mad. I wanted to stop crying and have an amazing time with the coolest people I know.

My parents found out that I wrote my essay about Caleb. We were eating at On The Border (I know...we went out to eat...that's amazing). When they found out my mom was like "oh my gosh!! talk about infatuation!!!" I could tell they were both unhappy. I tried to tell them that I didn't write about him because he's in the band or anything...it's because he really is the nicest/coolest person I've ever met. They didn't like that. But seriously, when I first met Caleb, I didn't even like Eleventyseven...and I still thought he was really cool. If he wasn't in the band...and I knew him...I probably still would have written about him just because he seemed like the best choice.

There's a lot of other things I'm not sure that I agree with them about (hair thing)...and they make me feel like because I disagree with them, or think differently then they do about certain things that I'm a bad person...or something. I mean, what does it matter if I disagree with them? Unless it's a major theology problem...haha. As long as I'm not doing anything bad or something, it shouldn't matter. I feel like if they knew everything about me...they wouldn't like me. I feel like sometimes I can't be myself around them. In certain areas I can...but not all the time. I don't talk about the amazing experiences I have at concerts...I don't talk about messages I get from the rk guys or the eleventyseven guys...because they'd think I'm obsessed with them and that they've become idols in my life when I know that's not true. I don't want to be the person my parents want me to be. I want to be who God wants me to be...and I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with who I want to be and I think that who I want to be is okay, and that it could be who God wants me to be.

I feel suffocated around them when I'm with my friends sometimes. Music is the thing that interests me the most. Besides God, it's what I like talking about the most. If I'm not talking to Cecelia about God, I'm most likely talking about music. But I feel like that when my parents are there, I can't talk about music stuff...or about bands...or stuff like that because once again, they'd just think I'm obsessed and that the bands are idols in my life. I'm obsessed with God, not bands. I guess they don't see that. I was at the Alfonso's last week and we had watched Enchanted and I didn't really say anything the whole time to Celeste or Cecelia...because my parents were there...and they wouldn't like me talking about all the music stuff. I also had a lot of stuff to say after we watched Enchanted, but my dad didn't like that movie so for some reason I didn't feel comfortable saying anything or quoting anything that was hilarious from the movie to Cecelia. I don't know...but it was weird.

I feel like I'm stuck between who I want to be and who my parents are, who they think I am, and who they want me to be.

Right now, I don't really care about what they think of me (hence the blog title). I've noticed that whenever they get mad at me, I just sit there and take it and don't really care...then I just go to my room and listen to music. Music always makes me feel better. I don't care if they don't like me. I don't care if they get mad at me for being myself. They can think what they want about me...but they don't define me. I don't define myself either. God defines me.

So what if I like concerts? So what if I like the Christian music scene? So what if I wrote my essay about Caleb? So what if I don't think blue hair is such a horrible thing? What does it matter? As long as I have Christ, does any of this other stuff really matter?